abazoe [journal] +Not for a year, but for ever and a day+ [ who? | info ] [ what? | friends ] [ where? | website ] [ how? | pictures ] [ when? | calendar ]

new Goal [30 Jun 2009 | 2:54pm] Listen to whole albums, over and over again, especially new ones, especially when driving. I miss listening to a whole cd on repeat, falling in love with new songs... Instead of instantly deciding i like one or two and adding them to whatever mix I'm using on itunes. Yeah.   Together, we're going a long, long way.

Dear Body [22 Jun 2009 | 6:48pm] Dear body, I am aware that I am the age you consider baby-makin' age. I can deal with going all soft when I see babies, ok. I want kids someday, I can deal. But, I am sick of dreams of being pregnant. Plz desist. Please. 2 here to stay.  | Together, we're going a long, long way.

[19 Jun 2009 | 1:49am] It's raining again. Again. For the millionth time this June, which is barely an exxageration. No lie, I feel like I've been listening to fat old raindrops dripping from eaves and windowsills for months now. I like the rain. I'm a little tired of it. I do love how warm and comfortable my bed is, though, still with the winter bedding on. And maybe the rain makes me move a little slower... I found my summer pond today, too. Swimming time, once this nonsense clears up.  Together, we're going a long, long way.

[16 Jun 2009 | 4:33pm] I am determined to start blogging again, and what's more, to start responding to people's entries again. I had a revelation this weekend that sounds so stupid there really are no words, but which is true all the same. I can finally be happy. I don't know if it was because my brother got married on Saturday (my mom's birthay) and that was the first joyful thing this family has had in a while, or if it's the summer sunshine, or if it's the freedom of not being so wrapped up in a dumb game it effects my moods, but something has finally resettled for me. When I walked out to the car today to pick up my suitcase, it felt like fall. I know it's only June and in a month I will be mourning the loss of these days, but for now it's lovely. I love that I am still sleeping under warm covers at night but walking around in a tshirt during the day. I love having my windows open and smelling the fresh rain scented air or listening to the birds every morning. I don't know, I'm just happy.  2 here to stay.  | Together, we're going a long, long way.

[06 Apr 2009 | 1:23pm] Good news: It's thunderstorming!   Bad News: It's opening day. Sorry, boys of summer, no game for you. 1 here to stay.  | Together, we're going a long, long way.

Woke up this morning [03 Apr 2009 | 7:27am] the same as I wake up most mornings, to the cacophny of birds singing their lusty little hearts out. Oh, spring. I miss Washington fiercly in the spring, probably the only time. I miss the cherry blossoms that have already bloomed. Instead I watch the slower, steadier signs of spring here -- the last melting patches of snow are finally gone, the bulb flowers (crocus, tulip) pushing through. The weather has been soft, fog and grey skys and kittenish wind, warm rain. I am in the mood for quiet music, Astrud Gilberto, horns, warm tea. I need the comfort of routine that I don't have, not this week when worry keeps me up most nights, sleepless and staring. Oh, well. Together, we're going a long, long way.

Oh livejournal [27 Mar 2009 | 1:02pm]  I'm still here, still reading, never commenting because I'm bad at that.  Today I'm cleaning the apartment before heading to my dad's for the weekend. Terry and Sarah are heading home and we're cooking a birthday dinner for the pater. I'm taking a break from cleaning to put some new music on the ipod to fall asleep to. I can't sleep without noise, and I don't bring my computer home with me on weekends. So, the iPod must be charged and loaded with new stuff! Plus podcasts of course.  I spent last night being awoken by drunk and hilarious texts. Ever since college I was DD quite a bit -- I'm not straight edge, I enjoy drinking occasionally, but I don't do it often. So I've always had a huge soft spot for my friends when they are drunk. It's like dealing with children, I tell you.  Oh, a weekend without my computer or email or anything. So happy. I will devour books and play smash with the sibs and all that.  Anyway, I better go shower and finish packing and cleaning.  Together, we're going a long, long way.

Today [08 Mar 2009 | 11:30am] Today I am reclaiming a number of things, including music. Because certain music is so evocative of the time that I first discovered it, I have a hard time listening to it again without being drowned in unwelcome and unwanted memories. No more...   1 here to stay.  | Together, we're going a long, long way.

[01 Mar 2009 | 11:31am] weatherunderground.com: 1inch today, 1inch tomorrow, total accumulation not more than 3 inches, lots of rain and sleet weathercom: 4-6 inches today/tonight, 5-8 tomorrow. All snow with some sleet mixed in. ... I mean, aren't they looking at the same maps? Sheesh. I trust wu a bit more than the weather channel, though.  Together, we're going a long, long way.

[15 Feb 2009 | 1:25am] I fell asleep and woke up at this horrid hour, still heavy with sleep and discontent. My landlady and her family are off somewhere celebrating the long weekend, and everything is deathly still, aside from the mice scrabbling in the walls every now and again. My father says it's inevitable, mice in the walls on the cape, and that I shouldn't worry. I will worry when I see one or see evidence of one, however. Regardless, 1:30 am and I'm awake and hurting. I have been trying so hard to be better, and for the most part I succeed. But late nights are for dark thoughts and right now I just feel like curling up and crying, as if I've suffered some great trauma and am not some stupid girl suffering from nothing whatsoever.  Together, we're going a long, long way.

Signs it's going to be a GREAT day: [11 Feb 2009 | 7:41am] Waking up at 6 and feeling wide awake and chipper! Not having that feeling fade away. Listening to pandora and having Sun it Rises pop up as the first song:   the sun rising, dangling there golden and fair in the sky.    Mmmmmm, content. Together, we're going a long, long way.

Signs it is going to be a not good day. [07 Feb 2009 | 6:01am] I woke up at 4 am from a dream I poked myself hard in the eye. TURNS OUT I did poke myself in the eye and then I scratched myself right along my eyelashes. As I lay in the dark I covered one eye and then another making sure I hadn't blinded myself. I hadn't. Then I lay there for the next two hours and felt guilty for everything you can imagine, whether deserved or not. And then I wondered to myself what I was going to do with the long, long day stretching ahead of me. Sigh. /emo. Together, we're going a long, long way.

You gotta live in your dreams, don't make them so hard. [04 Feb 2009 | 10:42am]  Tuesday: Rain mixed with snow in the afternoon, light snow accumulation possible. When I looked outside at 10 yesterday and saw an inch on the ground, I sighed. It's only about 7 inches, no big, but Monday was 50 and beautiful! I don't know what's happened to me, I used to love winter and snow, but now I just sigh.  I miss being able to go to the store and buy a book to cheer myself up. Every day I check on jobs and come up short. I apply to everything and anything. The only thing I haven't done is start to try to find work as a writer, even free stuff. I'm too scared, but sooner or later I'll get over that. I've been writing more, anyway, although no fiction.  I've got to go shower, get dressed, clean off my car before it melts and freezes again. I've got to clean and put dishes away and do laundry. A quiet, snow covered kind of Wednesday. Heh, a song from disintegration just popped  up on pandora. I remember being in a newbery comics with my brother, picking up a moist album. He rolled his eyes at me. "If you want something really dark," he said, "listen to this." He handed me that album. The Cure, I thought. The Cure isn't dark! But I trusted him, and oh god that album. I could listen to it forever. Together, we're going a long, long way.

[30 Jan 2009 | 7:32pm] It's cold out and my apartment is kinda a mess. I don't feel like doing anything, so instead i'm going to write all night, whether I feel like it or not. I miss that part of my identity. I used to think of myself as a writer before anything else, but business, laziness, lack of self confidence -- all got in my way. Even now I have to stop myself from making some sort of disclaimer about not being a good writer.  Together, we're going a long, long way.

[25 Jan 2009 | 8:54am] Couldn't sleep again last night; I need to stay up all night one of these nights to normalize this messed up sleep schedule. I woke up early and went back reading all old entries from March until October, 2005. I did it because of the dream, of course, not because I thought anything would come of it, some cosmic revelation, but because I was curious. So I read, and read, and read. And I realized a few things -- one, I was a better writer then because I was writing more and had more things to write about. I was shocked to see all the news analysis I did...not to mention self analysis. I also saw how miserable I thought I was back then and I want to reach back and slap myself, because really? Really. I had no idea how scary and hard not being able to find a job and not being sure what you'll eat for dinner for the next week is. And if I think I'm miserable, I remind myself, how much worse could it be? So much worse. It's 3 degrees outside right now. I'm inside, on a computer, on the internet, in heat. But really, I'd give a lot to have a regular job again, to be able to afford gas and groceries without a second thought, to be able to contemplate buying new books. Oh whining again. Anyway, giving up on sleep I got up and cleaned, and listened to pandora. And as I was washing last night's dishes and listening to the shins, I remembered when SaraH came to visit Washington and we were at her friend's house in Adams Morgan. It was brunch and we were cooking in the kitchen while the Shins played and people were in and out and talking about all the fun things they were going to do that day and I was happy. And I felt it again =) So, while I may be struggling, I'm still doing ok. I mean, I'm not really doing ok on the grand scale but on the small, moment to moment scale where it matters I can still be happy. Together, we're going a long, long way.

map [ Goes like this | {present} ] [ In your love | {past} ]

tools [ update | journal ] [ edit | info ] [ edit | entries ] [ edit | pictures ]